You Can't Delete a Person

Today on Facebook I had one of those "well that was awkward" experiences. A friend posted a video and said:

Thought provoking! With that intro I had to watch it and suggest you do too: The Missing Tile Syndrome

I couldn't help but point out a glaring mistake in Dennis Prager's assessment of what a missing tile is, and shared my thoughts of his video (in other words, not directed at the person who shared it):

Then I later discovered my comment had been deleted......with no explanation or reason. Now I have always liked this person and would have assumed they are supportive of our fight with infertility, but clearly I was wrong. Which is pretty ironic considering what I said in my comment about comforting those in need of comfort.

Normally I'd love to just ignore that this even happened, but this time I can't. I thought about it all day and it bothered me deeply. I was sick to my stomach and almost in tears over how much this had hurt me. I know some people think it's stupid to get worked up over something like this, but it's exactly the kind of thing that drives me nuts. You can delete a comment, but you can't delete a person. I exist in real life, and so does everyone else. So why on earth do we no longer treat people like people? There is a person behind the Facebook account. You shouldn't find out a good friend is expecting through Facebook, you shouldn't just say "hugs" to someone who just lost their mother if you can easily visit them and actually physically hug them, and you shouldn't be a jerk to another person just because you are behind a screen (something I know our church leaders have specifically addressed in the recent past).

Now all of that sucks, but people are shallow and lame. My real fight here is for those of us who have been shunned into silence. Infertility is REAL. It is not just a 'missing tile,' as I pointed out in my comment. I've gotten the impression from several people that they don't really believe that we are infertile. Which completely baffles me. Who would fake something like that? As if I was sitting around going "you know what sounds nice? 3+ years of loss, pain, grief and thousands of dollars spent on something teenagers and drug addicts do for free in the backseat of cars." I'm all for people not having to explain themselves or say what exactly is wrong with them, but I'm going to do my best to explain what's "wrong" with us just so there's no question. WE DON'T KNOW. That's the honest to goodness truth. We went through so many invasive, some very painful, tests and in the end the only thing we came out with was "your thyroid is normal, but at the high end of normal, so here's a small dose of levothyroxine." I kid you not. At the time I was put on this medication we were beginning the process to have the IUI so if that was our issue we still don't know it. We have what is called "Unexplained Infertility." Again, I must point out this is REAL. It's not a made up diagnosis that means we don't know how procreation works or are naive fools. It means we ran all the tests and we don't have any obvious causes for infertility like low sperm count, motility, morphology, PCOS, blocked tubes, sperm allergies, Endometriosis, etc. That diagnosis gives hope and fear at the same time. We got so lucky that our IUI (which is a legit, hardcore infertility treatment) took the first time. After this baby (hopefully) comes out all well and healthy there will come a time when we are ready to have more children. For us, that means a complete unknown. We don't know if we will conceive on our own, how long it will take, or if we will ever be able to have any more children with our DNA. Infertility is a weight we will carry with us FOREVER. We didn't start our family when we wanted to, that will never change. Even if we can conceive without help next time, what about the time after that? We have no idea! For over three years our life together was filled with OPKs, basal temps, clomid, monthly cycles, timed intercourse, and tears. We were very serious about starting our family and began tracking on the first cycle, having started prenatal vitamins months prior, and then nothing happened, for over 3 years. Excuse me for believing that it is so much more than being bald or not liking your legs. I can't put a wig on it or squat my way to being fertile. For the record, you will hear me swear up and down that I love my body and am completely comfortable in it, BUT if I wanted to, I could pick out things wrong with it....but I don't see the point! It's so unimportant, and I can totally agree it is a 'missing tile.' So forgive me for being so upset about this video and the subsequent deleting of my comment expressing my provoked thoughts. For me, this is just proof that infertility is still misunderstood and people are uncomfortable talking about it.

Lastly, as you may have assessed from the previous paragraph, people really need to be more supportive. We have felt a major lack of support from all sides. Family, friends, strangers. Very few people actually knew what to do for us. I understand that not everyone gives a crap about you, or can know exactly what you need, but it's nice when those who claim to care actually try. Fairly early in my journey a friend learned of our struggles and said "I am so sorry, I will pray for you" and MEANT it. Nothing had given me a glimmer of hope or comfort until that moment. To this day it's pretty much the only thing that anyone said or did that made a difference for us. I also recently learned some friends had put our name in the temple. To those people, THANK YOU, SO SO MUCH! For us, that was the comfort we needed. Everyone is different, but if you really listen to someone going through a trial, you will find a way to help them, I promise. Let them be sad, hurt, upset. They need that. We are here to be tested and tried. Life is not meant to be rainbows and roses. In recent years I've really struggled with this as so many people around me had trials and overcame them, or found peace and I didn't. Their lives were happy and only had missing tiles, whereas mine was overcome with a full on trial. A whole chunk of my ceiling was missing, damaged, unfixable, irreplaceable.

Speaking from experience, I wish no one had to go through heavy trials, but there's no way around them. And if you are out there going through a trial and the sky has fallen in on you, I want you to know you are not alone. It's okay to be hurting. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. Don't let others' near perfect ceilings fool you or back you into an isolated corner. Real life happens, and it can be really painful. We are real people living real lives, not just faces on a screen. May you feel God's love whether you are on top of the world, or having the worst day ever. From my heart through my blog to you I hope you can feel my love for you too. I myself am constantly working to be a more supportive person to everyone I know. It's a process y'all! <3

Lunch Belly

The boys (Z & Cole) and I went to Perry's for lunch.

On Fridays they have a pork chop lunch special that is to die for. It's also pretty much the only thing we can afford to eat there, talk about swanky. I only came home with a tiny piece of leftover pork chop, so I think it's safe to say I've now entered the stage of pregnancy where I'll eat everything in sight.

When we got home I had Zack snap a few pictures because my belly was nice and round from eating a big meal. It's nice to see my belly this way, makes me feel much cuter. :)

My mom said I look like I'm about 20 weeks......THANKS MOM. :p My inner anatomy causes me to look this way though. I don't mind, it's fun to be showing this much already!

Our plans for the weekend are to just chill and maybe make it back to Old Navy to try again for maternity jeans. Fingers crossed!!!

Prepared School

So I got to my school today and I'm setting up to teach and what do I see!? A MyPlate poster! So awesome! That explains why all the kids said they'd seen MyPlate before. Smart, healthy kids ftw!

My set-up :)

15 Weeks!

Today marks 15 weeks for little blob! I'm carrying so low! All of the "bump" is below my belly button. Perhaps that is why I look so large, because baby is crammed in a tight spot? I'm not sure, but I'm ok with it for now because I can breathe freely. :)

((You love my terrible cell phone photos))
((&& am I giant or what!?!?!))

 I think I'm finally getting over feeling so dang tired all the time. I have my energy back to cook and clean! I know it sounds silly, but when you finally are able to pack your Christmas decorations away just in time for Valentine's Day you feel accomplished and relieved, ha! The last two Mondays I got back in the swing of planning our meals and stopping at HEB on the way home. 

Today I made spaghetti with fresh tomatoes and a chopped salad with strawberries, poppyseed, and bacon. I highly recommend the salad! It was a nice lighter meal to go along with our beautiful sunny day. I had also made fresh lemonade Sunday night and it was chilled and ready to drink. Living in the south makes me want to sit on a porch and drink lemonade all day.

After dinner I jumped right into doing the dishes. I am just possessed with energy today! It's so nice to feel normal for a bit! When I was done I looked at my clean dishes and had to laugh. I think the only non red items in the sink were wooden spoons and my pot.

I LOVE red in the kitchen. Whenever Z buys me a new kitchen item he always gets red. He knows the quickest way to my heart. <3

Take a look around.

((I made the cookie bars last night, so tasty))

((Of course my Kitchenaid is red!))

I'm feeling so happy and grateful today! I've been so blessed to be married to my wonderful husband, be expecting our first child, and that both of us are working jobs we love. And while I am NOT a fan of apartment living, we've really taken the time to make ours feel like a home. I am looking forward to the next couple years and can barely wait to soak it all in! Sorry to get all sappy. It was sunny today, the sun does things to me.

Sundays

We love lazy Sundays. That's probably why we're always late to church. We'd just lay in bed and cuddle till 2pm if we could. What we also love is having a lavish breakfast (lavish meaning something other than toast or cereal, we're so fancy). Last night after getting the kitchen all cleaned up after our taco dinner (Zack makes the best tacos this side of the Rio Grande) I decided I needed to whip out the bread machine so we could have French Toast in the morning. There's nothing better than waking up to the smell of fresh baked bread! When we finally got up I pulled out the loaf and got started on our French Toast. We really should do this more often, it's one of our favorite breakfast foods and is incredibly easy! :)

13 Weeks and Belly Progress

We've now graduated from the fertility clinic and met my new OB/GYN yesterday. I'm not picky when it comes to doctors, but she's great! We talked about shots, genetic tests, blood tests, and all kinds of stuff! We also got to hear the heartbeat again! The next appointment isn't until mid February! So far away! We've been spoiled going every two weeks at the fertility clinic and having an ultrasound each time! 

I also went to craft night yesterday with some ladies from church. We made garland with cards. I was exhausted, but glad I went. :)

Our Christmas decorations are (very) slowly coming down, so hopefully I can put up my cards soon. ;)

And now.......belly pictures!!!

6 Weeks

8 Weeks

13 Weeks

I know I don't look that big, but I AM! Monday night we went out to dinner and went shopping for maternity pants! It was actually incredibly frustrating and upsetting, but I did find a pair of pants in the end. I was almost in tears with frustration at the lack of selection. I kind of get that way shopping for regular clothes, so this was even worse. Hopefully I'll find some more stuff to wear soon. I don't think one pair of maternity work pants and a belly band is going to cut it. I love my changing body though, it's such a miracle!

It's a.....BABY!

The word is finally out! Our IUI was successful! Our little Baldwin blob will be here in July 2015! My last update was on the IUI itself, so I'm going to attempt to catch up on the last 2&1/2 months in one post, because that's easier and momma's tired!

A week after the IUI I went in to have my blood drawn for hormone levels. Everything was perfect for sustaining life, great news! It was at this point I had my first pregnancy 'symptom' - horribly tender breasts. A change was definitely underway whether we were ready to believe it or not! A week after the hormone testing I returned for THE test. I waited all day for the phone to ring and at the very end of the day after my class I had a message from the nurse asking me to call back. I was DYING. How could they not tell me!?! Zack and I checked the patient portal a million times that night hoping it would miraculously be updated. We were pretty crushed we didn't find out that day since Zack left first thing the next morning to visit Oregon. I called the doctor as soon as I got to work and left a message. And WAITED. Zack was constantly messaging me asking if I'd heard anything. Then Zack messaged me again and said "at 14 days it should be like 129 for 1 baby, 235 for 2" and I'm like......."ok, AND!?!" "You have...you want to skype?" "I'm at work." "You have 226." So now I'm not only pregnant, I may have twins!!! Holy cow! I was shaking. Shortly after that the nurse FINALLY called me at a normal time when I could answer the phone and said I needed to come in the next day for another hCG test which would show them if my levels were doubling properly. They were and so I scheduled a 6 week ultrasound!

Since Zack was in Oregon he was able to share the news with everyone. It was so special! We made photo albums for our parents and added this photo on the last page.

We still didn't know if it was one or two in there, but two sets of socks photographed much better than one. While Zack enjoyed his time in Oregon I kept busy with work and impatiently waited for this:

Uno!!! Everything with our little Baldwin blob was perfect! I also had more blood work and a urine test. At this point my arms looked like I was a drug addict, but I didn't care! I scheduled my 8 week appointment and started the wait again! I must add that I find ultrasound pictures a little odd and am only sharing for those who care to see. I love seeing baby at the doctor's office, but these photos are most definitely not hanging on my fridge or anything of the sort.

I've gotten to share every step of the process with my co-workers. We are definitely a family at AgriLife! It was a blessing for me with Zack being out of town to still get some support from loved ones. I also got extremely lucky this was Thanksgiving week because school wasn't in session and I was SICK. I don't know where I caught the cold from, but I was pretty miserable. Along with the cold came some bad nausea. The last couple days of the week I crawled around in the kitchen trying to get dinner together for when Z got back. I was afraid the nausea would never go away. Luckily, once I was over the cold the nausea passed as well.

I picked Zack up the Friday after Thanksgiving and we went out to eat a big juicy burger. It was so needed. I may have felt like crap, but I was forever hungry. Eating was the only thing that held back the nausea. By the end of the week I was GIANT. I was convinced I was going to be a blimp early on and I could forget about having a cute bump. It sort of shows in our Christmas photos. I LOVE how they turned out even though I was a sick, puffed up mess. We really lucked out Christine was in town and could take them for us. She won't be able to do newborn pictures for us, but we'll hopefully catch her a couple months later for some family photos. We used her beautiful photos in our Christmas cards!

Halfway through the week after Thanksgiving I was finally feeling better. Having Zack home to help me out made a world of difference too. Before we knew it my 8 week ultrasound was upon us!

Blob now had a defined head and body. Still so tiny!!! I was taking 2 hour long naps when I could swing them at this point. I felt silly being so tired, but that kidney bean sized baby really takes the energy out of you (truthfully it's the hormones, but it's baby's fault :p). I also had some lower back pain and was going to the bathroom ALL THE TIME, but that's normal! :) This was also the week I went to College Station for work training. Thankfully I was feeling well given my 'condition.' I slept like crazy once I was home though!

At our 10 week ultrasound our little blob was swimming like crazy!!!

It weirded Zack out and it was adorable! You can really see the head, body, and arms in the photo. We had our next ultrasound just a week later since it was the last time we could be seen at the fertility clinic. We received more photos, AND a video! Baby wasn't feeling like moving, but after some encouraging (and not too comfortable) taps from the nurse we got some movement! My mom was able to be there as well, which was super special since it was the only time she'll be around for a prenatal check-up. We also heard the heartbeat for the first time rather than just watching it flicker on the screen! Video can be found here: 11 Week Ultrasound

We have now graduated to a regular OB/GYN and our next appointment is on the 13th!

Some silly pregnancy things that have happened to me so far include almost peeing my pants, throwing up at work because the cleaning products stink, being constipated on a work trip, and sitting through an awesome concert with some horrendously stinky people around me. It's been new and fun! We're just so happy and excited! I may or may not have our Amazon registry all ready to go because I can't stop thinking about our baby...haha!