Winter. Ew.
I can't stand the winter. At least not in the Idaho tundra (ok, a bit of an exaggeration). I've been pretty miserable lately because of it. If I stay inside all day I do nothing and it's totally depressing. If I leave the apartment I either fall on my rear or go ice skating in our 4 Runner (again, a slight exaggeration, but not by much). Zack made me go to the store with him last night and I about had a heart attack when a Malibu slid right through the intersection with a red light. No one was hurt but that happens all the time here and people do get hurt. The second winter hits I swear I turn into a different person. I go crazy because I'm inside all day in fear of leaving the apartment. Who on earth decided this would be a good place for a University and for people to live? I don't know how people survived here over 100 years ago. They even claim the winters are getting milder. What? It was like 20 below a couple weeks ago (and that's not the worst I've experienced out here)! I hope and pray with all my might that when Zack graduates we move somewhere more temperate. Extreme heat and extreme cold do strange things to me.
Here's a little poem I wrote about winter:
Winter. Ew.
Shoveling snow. Ew.
Chapped lips. Ew.
Cold, cracked fingers. Ew.
Icy roads. Ew.
Slippery steps. Ew.
Frozen nose hairs. Ew.
Frizzy hair. Ew.
Bitter cold. Ew.
Winter. Ew.
:)
Granted their are some nice things about winter like snowmen, hot cocoa, and snowboarding; I'd much prefer visiting winter on a mountain at a time of my choosing.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Missing Children
We like to be very forthcoming with things, so now is as good a time as any to write this post. Since we are LDS and live right across the street from a large LDS university, we live in a strange bubble I like to call Mormon-land. Here in Mormon-land there are lots of young LDS folk, many of whom are married. These young, married, college-going kind often have children and it is expected that everyone should follow that mold.
I don't think there is anything wrong with young couples going to school with children in the mix, but I do think it lends it's way to unhealthy thinking. Many people rush into having children because it's the 'right thing' to do. Many people judge others because they aren't doing the 'right thing.' This kind of thinking pains me to no end. I even find myself judging others on what I think they are or aren't doing. It's like I've been poisoned. It's none of my business what other couples choose to do with their lives, just like it's none of their business to know what we choose to do with ours. HOWEVER, I am going to let you in on our lives. Feel special. :p Not really though, because again, this is no secret.
We do not have children. You already know this. What you may not know is that we have been trying to have a child for well over a year (closer to a year and a half, in fact). Our third anniversary is this coming April. Here in Mormon-land that makes you the talk of the town. I think enough people in our immediate circle know what is going on by now that the worst of it has probably passed, but every time we meet new people around here the pain starts all over again. I'm serious, if you've been married for a year and you aren't at least pregnant or talking about children people start murmuring. It's insane. Sometimes I wonder if there wasn't so much outside pressure that we wouldn't feel as bad, but it's hard to say. I didn't grow up in the LDS church. My parents never shoved any ideals about life down my throat. I feel very fortunate to have grown up making my own decisions for the most part. With that said, I ALWAYS wanted to get married young. I ALWAYS wanted to have children at a young, yet reasonable age (graduated, but in my early 20's). I ALWAYS wanted to have a big family (at LEAST 3 kids....but here in Mormon-land, that is a small family). I never set these as 'must have goals' in my life, but they were my little fairy tale of what my grown up life could look like. Honestly I have all that I could possibly want right now. I have a bachelors degree, an amazing loving husband who will be graduating this July, an apartment we've put our touches on to call home, two cute kitties, more computer/technology comforts than two people could ever need, friends, safety, a great church community, and more. And while we do what we can to remember these things and stay happy, some days it's just not enough. I don't say this from a selfish place, I say it from a real place. I honestly don't desire a home, new car, all the things money can buy, and whatever else I could ever possibly want. I am genuinely happy with my life, but sometimes that bitter feeling of emptiness creeps up and there's no way to escape it. I'm always so happy for my friends who have announcements of births and pregnancies, but that happiness usually comes after some tears and a feeling of 'woe is me.' (I hope no one takes offense to that, I really mean it when I say I am happy for my friends!)
Children are a big part of life at our age. It's not just our LDS friends who have children now. We are hitting mid-20's where babies are a common occurrence. It's a wonderful thing, but it comes with a lot of baggage. It's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation (pardon the French). People with children are judged, and those without are judged. It seems to be that people in Mormon-land are comfortable inquiring about your baby situation (and if you are single and in your 20's then it's all about the marriage situation....like really, lay off it). When I meet people the first thing out of their mouth in the 'getting to know you' questions often include 'do you have any children?' This is not offensive at all, it's 100% appropriate. What comes next is not. "Oh! Well when do you think you'll start trying?" They always act so shocked, especially if they know how long you've been married. I can't wait to move away from here and not receive that kind of shock on a regular basis. Usually I'm nice and tell them that we actually have been trying for a long time, but sometimes I just can't handle it and say something rude like "we can't have children (even though this may not be true)" or some other snide remark. Please someone tell me I am not crazy in thinking this is way TMI! I'm always shocked when people ask me that. They just assume we don't want children right now and are big sinners or something. I don't understand it!
I'm not looking for sympathy, or advice, or anything like that. Maybe I'm posting this to get it out of my system for a while. Maybe I'm posting it in hopes that someone who knows me sees it and doesn't ask me about baby-making or judges us for not having children after 3 years of marriage. Maybe I'm posting it so someone out there can know they are not alone in this. I don't really know, and I suppose it doesn't matter.
We waited until we were absolutely sure we were ready to have children. We didn't think it would take this long. We don't know how much longer it will be. We've been to the doctors, we've tracked all the important stuff since day one, we're young, we're healthy, and we just don't understand it. Sometimes that's just how life is. Sometimes life is tough.
Things like 'in God's time', 'everything happens for a reason', 'you are still young', and all those other things do not help. If you really want to help the BEST thing you can say is "we will pray for you." That always warms my heart and lets me know people care. They're in the right mindset. Usually people don't understand how we feel and where we are coming from and I've never had anything better said to me yet.
I wish no one had to endure trials like this but they are inevitable. Everything will be okay. If we are ever able to have children we will be so thrilled and feel so incredibly blessed. If we adopt children we will be so happy and thankful. If we never have children we will still be us, and we are two people who couldn't be more lucky to be together. Even without children, we are so blessed. We truly couldn't ask for more. Some days we go the whole day without thinking about it until our evening prayers, and other days we could swear to you that we hear the giggles and destruction of the children we dream of someday being blessed with. My husband is proof that dreams really do come true (we are so so so happy, we fight, we laugh, we cry, we give, we pray, we mend, we are everything I envisioned marriage to be and more). There's always hope, and there's always a way. We will find it, and we will be all the greater for our trial. We are not alone in this. Many have struggled for much longer than we have. Many have felt more pain and loss than we have. There is no scale, and no one is better than the rest. We are just people living our lives like everyone else. We have feelings and trials, and this is our current trial. There will be more. We will survive this trial and the ones that follow. Some say a perfect life would never be a happy one. I like to think my life is perfect because I choose to feel that way. I get down at times, but if I never felt sadness then I'd never know joy. Someday I know we can overcome this trial, and we will feel great joy and thankfulness because of it.
I don't think there is anything wrong with young couples going to school with children in the mix, but I do think it lends it's way to unhealthy thinking. Many people rush into having children because it's the 'right thing' to do. Many people judge others because they aren't doing the 'right thing.' This kind of thinking pains me to no end. I even find myself judging others on what I think they are or aren't doing. It's like I've been poisoned. It's none of my business what other couples choose to do with their lives, just like it's none of their business to know what we choose to do with ours. HOWEVER, I am going to let you in on our lives. Feel special. :p Not really though, because again, this is no secret.
We do not have children. You already know this. What you may not know is that we have been trying to have a child for well over a year (closer to a year and a half, in fact). Our third anniversary is this coming April. Here in Mormon-land that makes you the talk of the town. I think enough people in our immediate circle know what is going on by now that the worst of it has probably passed, but every time we meet new people around here the pain starts all over again. I'm serious, if you've been married for a year and you aren't at least pregnant or talking about children people start murmuring. It's insane. Sometimes I wonder if there wasn't so much outside pressure that we wouldn't feel as bad, but it's hard to say. I didn't grow up in the LDS church. My parents never shoved any ideals about life down my throat. I feel very fortunate to have grown up making my own decisions for the most part. With that said, I ALWAYS wanted to get married young. I ALWAYS wanted to have children at a young, yet reasonable age (graduated, but in my early 20's). I ALWAYS wanted to have a big family (at LEAST 3 kids....but here in Mormon-land, that is a small family). I never set these as 'must have goals' in my life, but they were my little fairy tale of what my grown up life could look like. Honestly I have all that I could possibly want right now. I have a bachelors degree, an amazing loving husband who will be graduating this July, an apartment we've put our touches on to call home, two cute kitties, more computer/technology comforts than two people could ever need, friends, safety, a great church community, and more. And while we do what we can to remember these things and stay happy, some days it's just not enough. I don't say this from a selfish place, I say it from a real place. I honestly don't desire a home, new car, all the things money can buy, and whatever else I could ever possibly want. I am genuinely happy with my life, but sometimes that bitter feeling of emptiness creeps up and there's no way to escape it. I'm always so happy for my friends who have announcements of births and pregnancies, but that happiness usually comes after some tears and a feeling of 'woe is me.' (I hope no one takes offense to that, I really mean it when I say I am happy for my friends!)
Children are a big part of life at our age. It's not just our LDS friends who have children now. We are hitting mid-20's where babies are a common occurrence. It's a wonderful thing, but it comes with a lot of baggage. It's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation (pardon the French). People with children are judged, and those without are judged. It seems to be that people in Mormon-land are comfortable inquiring about your baby situation (and if you are single and in your 20's then it's all about the marriage situation....like really, lay off it). When I meet people the first thing out of their mouth in the 'getting to know you' questions often include 'do you have any children?' This is not offensive at all, it's 100% appropriate. What comes next is not. "Oh! Well when do you think you'll start trying?" They always act so shocked, especially if they know how long you've been married. I can't wait to move away from here and not receive that kind of shock on a regular basis. Usually I'm nice and tell them that we actually have been trying for a long time, but sometimes I just can't handle it and say something rude like "we can't have children (even though this may not be true)" or some other snide remark. Please someone tell me I am not crazy in thinking this is way TMI! I'm always shocked when people ask me that. They just assume we don't want children right now and are big sinners or something. I don't understand it!
I'm not looking for sympathy, or advice, or anything like that. Maybe I'm posting this to get it out of my system for a while. Maybe I'm posting it in hopes that someone who knows me sees it and doesn't ask me about baby-making or judges us for not having children after 3 years of marriage. Maybe I'm posting it so someone out there can know they are not alone in this. I don't really know, and I suppose it doesn't matter.
We waited until we were absolutely sure we were ready to have children. We didn't think it would take this long. We don't know how much longer it will be. We've been to the doctors, we've tracked all the important stuff since day one, we're young, we're healthy, and we just don't understand it. Sometimes that's just how life is. Sometimes life is tough.
Things like 'in God's time', 'everything happens for a reason', 'you are still young', and all those other things do not help. If you really want to help the BEST thing you can say is "we will pray for you." That always warms my heart and lets me know people care. They're in the right mindset. Usually people don't understand how we feel and where we are coming from and I've never had anything better said to me yet.
I wish no one had to endure trials like this but they are inevitable. Everything will be okay. If we are ever able to have children we will be so thrilled and feel so incredibly blessed. If we adopt children we will be so happy and thankful. If we never have children we will still be us, and we are two people who couldn't be more lucky to be together. Even without children, we are so blessed. We truly couldn't ask for more. Some days we go the whole day without thinking about it until our evening prayers, and other days we could swear to you that we hear the giggles and destruction of the children we dream of someday being blessed with. My husband is proof that dreams really do come true (we are so so so happy, we fight, we laugh, we cry, we give, we pray, we mend, we are everything I envisioned marriage to be and more). There's always hope, and there's always a way. We will find it, and we will be all the greater for our trial. We are not alone in this. Many have struggled for much longer than we have. Many have felt more pain and loss than we have. There is no scale, and no one is better than the rest. We are just people living our lives like everyone else. We have feelings and trials, and this is our current trial. There will be more. We will survive this trial and the ones that follow. Some say a perfect life would never be a happy one. I like to think my life is perfect because I choose to feel that way. I get down at times, but if I never felt sadness then I'd never know joy. Someday I know we can overcome this trial, and we will feel great joy and thankfulness because of it.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Online Classes
I am taking some online classes!
I've been wanting to stuff my brain with anything I can ever since I got my bachelors. It just wasn't enough! I wanted to do grad school, but it just isn't the right time for many reasons. A friend of mine introduced me to Coursera, a great source for free online classes. While they aren't for credit, you usually get a certificate of completion to prove you did it. This is so perfect for me and I couldn't be more thrilled and thankful for my stupendous friend who shared this information! I'm currently taking Calculus 1 and Computer Science 101. I'm also signed up for Fundamentals of Human Nutrition, An Introduction to the U.S. Food System Perspectives from Public Health, Health Informatics in the Cloud, Introduction to Finance (this one will challenge me), Contraception: Choices, Culture and Consequences, Nutrition for Health Promotion and Disease Prevention, and Introductory Human Physiology. I know that sounds like a lot, but they aren't all at exactly the same time, some are different lengths (5 weeks to 15 weeks), and some are repeat/keep-my-mind-fresh type courses. If this sounds interesting to you, and you have time, I would love for you to join me in one or all of these courses! I might end up having to drop one or two, we'll just have to see. There were others I thought would be interesting, but I can only do so much. It's not for a grade, you either pass and get your certificate or you don't, so it's no pressure!
I love learning!
I've been wanting to stuff my brain with anything I can ever since I got my bachelors. It just wasn't enough! I wanted to do grad school, but it just isn't the right time for many reasons. A friend of mine introduced me to Coursera, a great source for free online classes. While they aren't for credit, you usually get a certificate of completion to prove you did it. This is so perfect for me and I couldn't be more thrilled and thankful for my stupendous friend who shared this information! I'm currently taking Calculus 1 and Computer Science 101. I'm also signed up for Fundamentals of Human Nutrition, An Introduction to the U.S. Food System Perspectives from Public Health, Health Informatics in the Cloud, Introduction to Finance (this one will challenge me), Contraception: Choices, Culture and Consequences, Nutrition for Health Promotion and Disease Prevention, and Introductory Human Physiology. I know that sounds like a lot, but they aren't all at exactly the same time, some are different lengths (5 weeks to 15 weeks), and some are repeat/keep-my-mind-fresh type courses. If this sounds interesting to you, and you have time, I would love for you to join me in one or all of these courses! I might end up having to drop one or two, we'll just have to see. There were others I thought would be interesting, but I can only do so much. It's not for a grade, you either pass and get your certificate or you don't, so it's no pressure!
I love learning!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Just Because
1. What is your current obsession?
Going through all my crap and throwing things out or organizing them better so our move will be easier in a few months!
2. What are you wearing today?
Pink Nike sweatshirt, jeans, and slippers.
3. What’s for dinner?
Zack made Teriyaki Chicken with rice and beans. It was delicious!
4. What’s the last thing you bought?
Groceries.
5. what are you listening to right now?
Nothing, having some much needed peace and quiet (especially after watching the season premier of American Idol-YUCK!)
6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
This question should just be removed :p
7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
I'm not well traveled enough to answer this! Oh no! Anywhere but Idaho and anything climatically like it!
8. One thing you wanna change about yourself?
My acne. Freaking go away already!
9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Again, I'm so unworldly! I'd probably visit a friend :)
10. Which language do you want to learn?
Spanish, but I think German would also be awesome!
11. What’s your favorite quote?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
-Marianne Williamson
12 . Would you cook for me?
These kinds of questions are stupid :p YOU are a QUESTIONNAIRE. But whoever is reading this, I would cook for you.
13. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Oh how I wish I knew the answer to that question.
14. What are you afraid of the most?
Losing my husband.
15. Who do you want to meet right now?
It's 11 at night, but no matter the time I'd love to meet Adam Lambert. I have a strange obsession. LOL
16. What is your favorite color?
Black. Red is great too.
17. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Uhh...
Be clean.
LOL.
18. What is your dream job?
DREAM job? No job. LOL In all seriousness I hate being cooped up and other people talking down to me, telling me what to do. But I also don't think I'm the big smarty pants who could run everything, so idk. Life has me pretty confused on that one due to recent events
19. What’s your favorite magazine?
Consumer Reports. Don't laugh. :p
20. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Shoes, clothes, kitchen supplies, or my husband.
21. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Anything that makes you look 12.
22. Who according to you is the most over-rated writer?
I'm not a big reader, but I'll go with J.K. Rowling because I can't stand Harry Potter. You hate me now. I know, move along.
23. What brings a smile on your face instantly?
Any time my husband does something for me. <3
24. A word that you say a lot?
DUDE! - As pointed out to me by my soccer team.
25. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
For me? Well I don't really have one....my hair is just there. Long. Straight. Down to my buns.
26. What are you going to do after this?
Finish putting some storage bins I was going through away and go to bed.
27. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Lay in bed. Pathetic. Cry. Don't eat.
It's literally depression.
28. What makes you go wild?
Is this a dirty question?
I'm not answering. LOL
29. What are your favorite movies?
I love Disney! CARS and The Lion King (and 1&1/2 &2!).
30. What inspires you?
Friends. I know so many amazing people in my life!
31. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Ashley, Avery, Zashley (when referring to my husband and I).
32. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
EW neither!
33. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
My friends' blogs. Especially if they have children, or are clumsy. And Cakewrecks!
34. Favorite dessert/sweet?
CHOCOLATE :D
35. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
9. It would be 10, but no more Facebook for a while.
9. It would be 10, but no more Facebook for a while.
36. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Get dressed.
37. Favorite season?
Autumn, I even like the name.
38. One wish that you really want to see it come true?
A BABY.
39. What breaks your heart?
Evil.
Evil people, evil acts, evil things in this world.
40. What's one thing you really want to do in life?
Make at least one person's life better because I lived. Make a real difference for the better.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The New Year is Here
While I still have high hopes for 2013, things aren't off to a great start. Zack's grandmother passed away New Years morning. When things like this happen it reminds you that you are married and have another person and their family to care about. Zack is one to not talk a lot about his emotions or be open with what he's really feeling. That always stresses me out. I just want to know what I should do! We also plan to leave town tomorrow and make the dreaded trip back to Rexburg. So that means we won't be here for her funeral or anything like that. We had a scare with his grandpa before Christmas and got worried we'd be coming home to a funeral. He's still not back to normal, but is doing much better thank goodness! His great grandmother (mother of his grandma who just passed away) is in the hospital with the flu last I heard as well. It's all not good. I'm sad we have to leave everyone right now, but we don't have a choice, school is starting, and Zack has to be there. I just hope he does okay with everything going on. We just saw Grandma Lois on Christmas and she was walking, talking, and giving us hugs. It's unreal. Your prayers are appreciated.
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