Missing Children

We like to be very forthcoming with things, so now is as good a time as any to write this post. Since we are LDS and live right across the street from a large LDS university, we live in a strange bubble I like to call Mormon-land. Here in Mormon-land there are lots of young LDS folk, many of whom are married. These young, married, college-going kind often have children and it is expected that everyone should follow that mold.

I don't think there is anything wrong with young couples going to school with children in the mix, but I do think it lends it's way to unhealthy thinking. Many people rush into having children because it's the 'right thing' to do. Many people judge others because they aren't doing the 'right thing.' This kind of thinking pains me to no end. I even find myself judging others on what I think they are or aren't doing. It's like I've been poisoned.  It's none of my business what other couples choose to do with their lives, just like it's none of their business to know what we choose to do with ours. HOWEVER, I am going to let you in on our lives. Feel special. :p Not really though, because again, this is no secret.

We do not have children. You already know this. What you may not know is that we have been trying to have a child for well over a year (closer to a year and a half, in fact). Our third anniversary is this coming April. Here in Mormon-land that makes you the talk of the town. I think enough people in our immediate circle know what is going on by now that the worst of it has probably passed, but every time we meet new people around here the pain starts all over again. I'm serious, if you've been married for a year and you aren't at least pregnant or talking about children people start murmuring. It's insane. Sometimes I wonder if there wasn't so much outside pressure that we wouldn't feel as bad, but it's hard to say. I didn't grow up in the LDS church. My parents never shoved any ideals about life down my throat. I feel very fortunate to have grown up making my own decisions for the most part. With that said, I ALWAYS wanted to get married young. I ALWAYS wanted to have children at a young, yet reasonable age (graduated, but in my early 20's). I ALWAYS wanted to have a big family (at LEAST 3 kids....but here in Mormon-land, that is a small family). I never set these as 'must have goals' in my life, but they were my little fairy tale of what my grown up life could look like. Honestly I have all that I could possibly want right now. I have a bachelors degree, an amazing loving husband who will be graduating this July, an apartment we've put our touches on to call home, two cute kitties, more computer/technology comforts than two people could ever need, friends, safety, a great church community, and more. And while we do what we can to remember these things and stay happy, some days it's just not enough. I don't say this from a selfish place, I say it from a real place. I honestly don't desire a home, new car, all the things money can buy, and whatever else I could ever possibly want. I am genuinely happy with my life, but sometimes that bitter feeling of emptiness creeps up and there's no way to escape it. I'm always so happy for my friends who have announcements of births and pregnancies, but that happiness usually comes after some tears and a feeling of 'woe is me.' (I hope no one takes offense to that, I really mean it when I say I am happy for my friends!)

Children are a big part of life at our age. It's not just our LDS friends who have children now. We are hitting mid-20's where babies are a common occurrence. It's a wonderful thing, but it comes with a lot of baggage. It's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation (pardon the French). People with children are judged, and those without are judged. It seems to be that people in Mormon-land are comfortable inquiring about your baby situation (and if you are single and in your 20's then it's all about the marriage situation....like really, lay off it). When I meet people the first thing out of their mouth in the 'getting to know you' questions often include 'do you have any children?' This is not offensive at all, it's 100% appropriate. What comes next is not. "Oh! Well when do you think you'll start trying?" They always act so shocked, especially if they know how long you've been married. I can't wait to move away from here and not receive that kind of shock on a regular basis. Usually I'm nice and tell them that we actually have been trying for a long time, but sometimes I just can't handle it and say something rude like "we can't have children (even though this may not be true)" or some other snide remark. Please someone tell me I am not crazy in thinking this is way  TMI! I'm always shocked when people ask me that. They just assume we don't want children right now and are big sinners or something. I don't understand it!

I'm not looking for sympathy, or advice, or anything like that. Maybe I'm posting this to get it out of my system for a while. Maybe I'm posting it in hopes that someone who knows me sees it and doesn't ask me about baby-making or judges us for not having children after 3 years of marriage. Maybe I'm posting it so someone out there can know they are not alone in this. I don't really know, and I suppose it doesn't matter. 

We waited until we were absolutely sure we were ready to have children. We didn't think it would take this long. We don't know how much longer it will be. We've been to the doctors, we've tracked all the important stuff since day one, we're young, we're healthy, and we just don't understand it. Sometimes that's just how life is. Sometimes life is tough.

Things like 'in God's time', 'everything happens for a reason', 'you are still young', and all those other things do not help. If you really want to help the BEST thing you can say is "we will pray for you." That always warms my heart and lets me know people care. They're in the right mindset. Usually people don't understand how we feel and where we are coming from and I've never had anything better said to me yet.

I wish no one had to endure trials like this but they are inevitable. Everything will be okay. If we are ever able to have children we will be so thrilled and feel so incredibly blessed. If we adopt children we will be so happy and thankful. If we never have children we will still be us, and we are two people who couldn't be more lucky to be together. Even without children, we are so blessed. We truly couldn't ask for more. Some days we go the whole day without thinking about it until our evening prayers, and other days we could swear to you that we hear the giggles and destruction of the children we dream of someday being blessed with. My husband is proof that dreams really do come true (we are so so so happy, we fight, we laugh, we cry, we give, we pray, we mend, we are everything I envisioned marriage to be and more). There's always hope, and there's always a way. We will find it, and we will be all the greater for our trial. We are not alone in this. Many have struggled for much longer than we have. Many have felt more pain and loss than we have. There is no scale, and no one is better than the rest. We are just people living our lives like everyone else. We have feelings and trials, and this is our current trial. There will be more. We will survive this trial and the ones that follow. Some say a perfect life would never be a happy one. I like to think my life is perfect because I choose to feel that way. I get down at times, but if I never felt sadness then I'd never know joy. Someday I know we can overcome this trial, and we will feel great joy and thankfulness because of it.