Today on Facebook I had one of those "well that was awkward" experiences. A friend posted a video and said:
Thought provoking! With that intro I had to watch it and suggest you do too: The Missing Tile Syndrome
I couldn't help but point out a glaring mistake in Dennis Prager's assessment of what a missing tile is, and shared my thoughts of his video (in other words, not directed at the person who shared it):
Then I later discovered my comment had been deleted......with no explanation or reason. Now I have always liked this person and would have assumed they are supportive of our fight with infertility, but clearly I was wrong. Which is pretty ironic considering what I said in my comment about comforting those in need of comfort.
Normally I'd love to just ignore that this even happened, but this time I can't. I thought about it all day and it bothered me deeply. I was sick to my stomach and almost in tears over how much this had hurt me. I know some people think it's stupid to get worked up over something like this, but it's exactly the kind of thing that drives me nuts. You can delete a comment, but you can't delete a person. I exist in real life, and so does everyone else. So why on earth do we no longer treat people like people? There is a person behind the Facebook account. You shouldn't find out a good friend is expecting through Facebook, you shouldn't just say "hugs" to someone who just lost their mother if you can easily visit them and actually physically hug them, and you shouldn't be a jerk to another person just because you are behind a screen (something I know our church leaders have specifically addressed in the recent past).
Now all of that sucks, but people are shallow and lame. My real fight here is for those of us who have been shunned into silence. Infertility is REAL. It is not just a 'missing tile,' as I pointed out in my comment. I've gotten the impression from several people that they don't really believe that we are infertile. Which completely baffles me. Who would fake something like that? As if I was sitting around going "you know what sounds nice? 3+ years of loss, pain, grief and thousands of dollars spent on something teenagers and drug addicts do for free in the backseat of cars." I'm all for people not having to explain themselves or say what exactly is wrong with them, but I'm going to do my best to explain what's "wrong" with us just so there's no question. WE DON'T KNOW. That's the honest to goodness truth. We went through so many invasive, some very painful, tests and in the end the only thing we came out with was "your thyroid is normal, but at the high end of normal, so here's a small dose of levothyroxine." I kid you not. At the time I was put on this medication we were beginning the process to have the IUI so if that was our issue we still don't know it. We have what is called "Unexplained Infertility." Again, I must point out this is REAL. It's not a made up diagnosis that means we don't know how procreation works or are naive fools. It means we ran all the tests and we don't have any obvious causes for infertility like low sperm count, motility, morphology, PCOS, blocked tubes, sperm allergies, Endometriosis, etc. That diagnosis gives hope and fear at the same time. We got so lucky that our IUI (which is a legit, hardcore infertility treatment) took the first time. After this baby (hopefully) comes out all well and healthy there will come a time when we are ready to have more children. For us, that means a complete unknown. We don't know if we will conceive on our own, how long it will take, or if we will ever be able to have any more children with our DNA. Infertility is a weight we will carry with us FOREVER. We didn't start our family when we wanted to, that will never change. Even if we can conceive without help next time, what about the time after that? We have no idea! For over three years our life together was filled with OPKs, basal temps, clomid, monthly cycles, timed intercourse, and tears. We were very serious about starting our family and began tracking on the first cycle, having started prenatal vitamins months prior, and then nothing happened, for over 3 years. Excuse me for believing that it is so much more than being bald or not liking your legs. I can't put a wig on it or squat my way to being fertile. For the record, you will hear me swear up and down that I love my body and am completely comfortable in it, BUT if I wanted to, I could pick out things wrong with it....but I don't see the point! It's so unimportant, and I can totally agree it is a 'missing tile.' So forgive me for being so upset about this video and the subsequent deleting of my comment expressing my provoked thoughts. For me, this is just proof that infertility is still misunderstood and people are uncomfortable talking about it.
Lastly, as you may have assessed from the previous paragraph, people really need to be more supportive. We have felt a major lack of support from all sides. Family, friends, strangers. Very few people actually knew what to do for us. I understand that not everyone gives a crap about you, or can know exactly what you need, but it's nice when those who claim to care actually try. Fairly early in my journey a friend learned of our struggles and said "I am so sorry, I will pray for you" and MEANT it. Nothing had given me a glimmer of hope or comfort until that moment. To this day it's pretty much the only thing that anyone said or did that made a difference for us. I also recently learned some friends had put our name in the temple. To those people, THANK YOU, SO SO MUCH! For us, that was the comfort we needed. Everyone is different, but if you really listen to someone going through a trial, you will find a way to help them, I promise. Let them be sad, hurt, upset. They need that. We are here to be tested and tried. Life is not meant to be rainbows and roses. In recent years I've really struggled with this as so many people around me had trials and overcame them, or found peace and I didn't. Their lives were happy and only had missing tiles, whereas mine was overcome with a full on trial. A whole chunk of my ceiling was missing, damaged, unfixable, irreplaceable.
Speaking from experience, I wish no one had to go through heavy trials, but there's no way around them. And if you are out there going through a trial and the sky has fallen in on you, I want you to know you are not alone. It's okay to be hurting. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. Don't let others' near perfect ceilings fool you or back you into an isolated corner. Real life happens, and it can be really painful. We are real people living real lives, not just faces on a screen. May you feel God's love whether you are on top of the world, or having the worst day ever. From my heart through my blog to you I hope you can feel my love for you too. I myself am constantly working to be a more supportive person to everyone I know. It's a process y'all! <3
